It's been a long road getting to a place where I not only accept who I am, I actually like who I am. As a teen into my twenties, I struggled with self-hatred and feelings of not fitting in. I'll share just one of the memories that attributed to creating this self-hatred in my heart, which was forming a permanent rejection filter over my life. Growing up, we were the only Asian family in an all Caucasian town, so our house was egged numerous times and slander circulated about us. When I was twelve I had my first boyfriend, if you can call it that since all we ever did was hold hands. I remember accidentally overhearing a group of his popular, hockey playing friends talking about us and how gross it was that he'd date someone like me. As I walked by them, they abruptly changed the topic. I walked right by them, because I wanted to let them know that I'd heard them and that I didn't care. But the truth was I did care and it did hurt.
By the time I was seventeen, we had moved to the big city. I wanted change myself so I began obsessively working out every day, anorexia, fighting suicidal thoughts, partying and drunk 6 days a week to feel a sense of freedom and not care. But when I sobered up, I was even more disappointed in myself.
Learning self-love is a journey, and there's been so many steps taken to get me there. I remember once, my husband and I were in a pastor's home. He was sharing with us, and mid sentence turned to me and said, “God says you are beautiful." I felt awkward and didn't know how to respond to that so I just nodded. Then he locked eyes with me and said it again, "God says YOU ARE beautiful." Right then and there, I burst out crying, it felt like years of dammed up tears came flowing out. Afterwards, I felt lighter and every time those thoughts of self hatred would attack, I'd hear those words and it would pierce that dark cloud little by little.
So for those of you who are struggling with rejection and self-hatred, I say the same truth over you. God says, "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL".
Isaiah 61:3 " to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
Visit my YouTube channel, Beauty that Doesn't Fade with Elsamarie, for hauls, tutorials and inner beauty chats.